I ponder and live in this question constantly.
Upon returning to the Philippines in late December 2014 (from a two month visit to Australia), I have been living alone in the house I usually share with my partner, best friend, and beloved, Raz; on my own for weeks, sometimes more than a month at a time, has triggered on occasions one of my primal fears…
Being alone and not Belonging
Being alone on Christmas Day in Australia was a conscious choice that I felt guided to make and did not connect the dots until recently, that being here in the Philippines on my own for five and a half weeks leading up to and including the Easter Holy Week was for my healing and growth.
The astronomical phenomena of three rare celestial events happening on the same day on March 20th 2015; a Total Eclipse of the Sun, the Spring Equinox and the New Super Moon, then just two weeks later, the Easter Holy week having a very rare celestial event with the 3rd Total Lunar eclipse in a Luna Tetrad.*
This ‘Blood Moon’ happened on the 4th April 2015 Easter Saturday, also known as Holy Saturday, a day of somber reflection.
Being aware of these events, reflecting on them but not absorbing the reflection was the challenge; i.e. not becoming preoccupied with the energetics out there in the cosmos and playing mind games blaming something outside of myself for my emotional insecurities and falling into victim mode.
I allow myself to feel fully the deep sadness, the loneliness and the overwhelming sense of not belonging – anywhere – feeling totally alienated on this beautiful planet, Mother Earth.
Being very vulnerable and fragile during this period of holy reflection, I am reminded of a mystical experience I encountered several years ago while living on the Island of the Gods, Bali, Indonesia.
My ‘River View’ villa nestles on the side of the gorge at the very bottom of the property, with a sheer drop to the Wos River below. I love living this far below street level, one hundred and ten steep stairs down from a busy road in Ubud and yet I sometimes feel I am living in a high rise building when watching the electric blue kingfishers and the large orangey brown winged Greater Coucal’s, their long dark purplish tail feathers gliding in the wind currents below me. I truly have a bird’s eye view of the river, the Campuhan Ridge path and the rice fields far beyond. This is my daytime picture post card view from my open balcony; really open, with no windows or doors at the front of the villa, as there is no wall, the jungle in arms reach. My only security being the mosquito netting around my bed and the old bamboo blinds I roll down in the wet season.
Tonight is the first night I will be alone in this villa and fear has been present the last few days knowing I will be down here on my own.
Dinner is at a small warung, a road side cafe just five minutes’ walk from home. The vegetable curry is still burning my lips and an image of ice cream flashes in my mind. “No time for that or you will be late,” I say silently to myself.
Thursday nights, I join an Insight Group at the Ashram I have been living in for the past few years.
A light shower of rain cools the evening air and on arrival home I find the lighting on the stairs leading down thru the tropical garden have not been switched on. I carefully descend the natural rock stairs in semi-darkness, the light rain becoming a steady drizzle.
I quickly freshen up, grab my book, pen and a torch (flashlight for you Americans) checking to see if it is working; switching it on and off a couple of times all seems good with the light strong. I head up the first flight of stairs in the dark flicking the torch lamp on to no avail. The rain has ceased momentarily; I know from past experience that there will be water flowing down the stairs like a small stream, pooling in ankle deep puddles around the pool area. Feeling frustrated with no light, I climb the stairs swishing my rubber flip flops noisily, more concerned with stepping on a toad or snake, than the pitch black of night.
I am greeted by the soft lighting in the rock wall leading to the meeting room. The lighting on the stairs and garden pathway from this section up to street level are now on. I chuckle to myself thinking, ‘out of the depth of darkness into the light.’
After the gathering I try the torch again, still not working; so I assume the batteries are dead.
Carrying my flip flops, pen and torch in one hand and tucking my book under the other arm, barefooted I descend the wet slippery stairs. I tread carefully and slowly but on the third step rounding a slight curve, I miss my footing and start to fall.
I watch images of myself tumbling down a couple of steps before rolling off the edge, plunging down to the pool area. I lay motionless on the edge of the pool face down. These images flash so quickly across the screen of my mind, frame by frame as if I am watching a movie in rapid motion.
Miraculously, I am ‘held’ as these images are being witnessed in the mind. I feel suspended in mid-air – my body light and feather like and by Grace I am tenderly set down. I find my balance, my feet landing firmly but gently back onto the step. This is trippy – knowing this has happened in a split second and yet I feel I have been hovering off the ground for what seems like an eternity.
I stand in awe, frozen in timelessness, a peaceful calm descends upon me as I breathe a couple of good deep breaths offering a prayer of gratitude, before continuing down in the light rain. Very slowly, I feel each footstep connect with the surface of the wet stairs, finding the edge with my toes before moving on, finally arriving at my front door.
Almost instantly on entering my dimly-lit villa, the torch automatically turns itself on, brightening the room with its beam of light. I switched it on and off a few times and it seems in perfect working order. “Unbelievable!” I voice out loud.
This whole experience, at that time, was about Trust and Faith. The miracles that I encountered in the weeks that followed were life changing, not just for me but for my immediate loved ones; but that’s
another blog or a chapter in a book.
Reflecting back on this past experience while feeling my core fear based patterns reminded me it is okay to go more deeply into the perceived darkness of egoistic beliefs. I have been held before and I will be held again and again and yet again whilst continuing to open my being to higher realms of conscious awareness for the purpose of healing and awakening.
Christmas day symbolized, (for me) the importance of not tilting into the tiresome people pleasing persona and getting caught up in the whole Christmas ballyhoo, just because I am in Australia. I have not celebrated Christmas as such for the past seven years living on a Hindu Island. I much prefer and enjoy being in sacred silence on this Holy revered day, celebrating the birth of Spirit into form through inspiration. Spirit initiating the birthing of creative new visions, free flowing in the love vibration to manifest more boldly, new projects for the healing and uplifting of humanity.
During the Holy Week of Easter, I crucify myself metaphorically, with my negative fear based thoughts. All of the old habits that nail me down mentally, emotionally and drain me physically must be put to rest ‘once and for all.’ I enter into the depths of darkness and despair, breathing into the fear of death itself. I eventually come to a place of seeing the insanity of the small mind with all the crazy dramas created out of fear. False Evidence Appearing Real! I laugh out loud joyfully realizing the absurdity of these mind games I have manifested, mastered and manipulated to perfection.
The remembrance of the Truth of my authentic Self finally shines forth with enormous clarity. The wisdom of an inner knowing that I am being held in the arms of Grace always. I feel the return of the feather like lightness of my Soul – Spirit in this physical body igniting every cell. Easter is about resurrection, redemption and rising up from the darkness (fear) and becoming rays of Light (Love).
I re- birth myself into a new frequency of Light energy, dancing and singing in the blissful vibration of Love. What a miraculous inner pilgrimage – transforming from loneliness to the transcendentalism of aloneness – All Oneness of Creation.
Ahbwoon Blessings of Love & Light Dear readers…