Thank goodness! Holy Spirit has a plan – and it is not mine – as well as a wonderful sense of humour. `Girl you need a jolt to ground yourself, and return to the remembrance of your Truth’…
I receive an email from a friend in the UK: I am planning on creating a book and inviting twenty women to share their story of awakening. If you feel guided to be part of this project and would like to provide a chapter please let me know.
I put the invite aside, preferring to focus on the upcoming pilgrimage to Israel and France.Yet the day before I leave, a second email is posted for the project, and feeling excitement to join this time, I immediately respond sharing my decision without reading the email fully. When I continue reading the body begins to contract – there are rules to abide by, deadlines to meet – and a heavy sinking feeling shrouds and dissipates this delightful frequency of joy, my energy recoiling as I collapse into a familiar feeling of smallness. Feeling drained of all life force, seriousness is now present.
“You fool, what have you done? You will never get all this right.” I panic and frantically wonder ‘how can I retract the email?’
My inner voice speaks with authority: “Do not even think about it until you return!” I obey without question and focus on the packing for the trip.
On my return to Bali from an amazing three week pilgrimage, I immediately allow the chapter for the book to fully possess me. With a deadline in five days, I feel what I have written thus far doesn’t feel right.
Of course it wouldn’t. It has to be right – perfect in fact! What will people think? Somebody out there may not approve…the article may be rejected. The thought of being laughed at or much worse, bringing attention to my perceived low standard of educational learning, along with my lack of experience in writing, flushes up the feeling of humiliation.
Oh my, this is the same old ego pattern looping around yet again; the people pleasing persona that has undermined every decision I have ever made. This is one of the major root causes of all my pain and suffering.
Why am I still allowing this insidious and insane energy, to be in full control of what, when, and how I experience life, and why am I not breathing into this?
The last week of writing has been an effort and I feel weary and tired. I am not able to concentrate. I notice I am isolating myself, sleeping a lot, not eating and a feeling of sadness is constantly present.
I feel my body is present in going through the motions, but where is my Spirit? What happened to the aliveness, the passion, the joy, and the creative juices that I know and love? I feel my get up and go, has got up and left.
The dawn of a new day arises unnoticed and I am still feeling disconnected. It seems my body has returned to Bali, but my essence is somewhere else. Where have I left fragments of myself `out there’ in some past gathering or event?
I know when I ask a wonder questions and take the time to sit in curiosity, breathing deeply into full presence, I will always be lived into the answer! How the answer comes is part of the journey of the Soul, wherever my consciousness and awareness is, in that given moment. Sometimes it’s a word, sometimes a song I randomly hear, a chance meeting with a friend, a feeling of inner knowingor a more physical experience to get my attention, which is usually what happens these days. Today I am choosing to wallow in this energy for a little longer.
But I have a chapter to write and a deadline to meet. I do not have time to just abide and reflect on what is really going on.
Ha! The voice of ego is rejoicing, thinking everything is just fine and confident it is in full control. I’ve got it all together and I know what’s best!
Thank God Holy Spirit has a plan, and it is not mine, as well as a wonderful sense of humour! `Girl you need a jolt to ground yourself…’
Feeling the pressure of the deadline looming, I fall into another old egoist pattern and allow myself to be easily distracted from writing, yet again. I become the compulsive cleaner. So, I decide to change a light bulb that is not working.
Because the mind is foggy and somewhere else, I do not even think to turn the power off. Yep, you guessed it. I am hit with a huge bolt of electricity up and down the right side of the body, jolting me backwards quite a few paces. I stand rigid from the shock, the electric current zinging the body with sharp pain. Whoa – I just nearly killed myself! Thank God I am still standing and conscious.
Well, that certainly recharged me! Thank you Grace for the boost of energy; I am feeling so much more alive now. Well, in a dazed sort of way. And of course it doesn’t last. Why? Because I am still plugging into the wrong socket!
Nothing outside of me will do it. My own light and the bulb are still disconnected and not working, literally. I sit here smiling at this amazing and amusing journey.
I am the one slowly killing myself by not being my True Essence. I am not surrendering with the breath to allow and receive the Love and Light to penetrate and shine through me.
I receive another reminder of this when I open my email. A photo arrives taken of me welcoming the sunrise over the Dead Sea at Ein Gedi. Wow! An absolute awesome image. `Is this really me?’ I ask doubtfully, knowing full well that it is. The image captures the magnificence of the Divine Feminine/Holy Mother Essence and I wonder `where is that essence now within my being?’
The next morning while having breakfast with friends, I share I am bogged down, stuck, with no motivation for writing this chapter and would love to pull the plug on the whole commitment. One of them says, “Well, just do that! Write that! Write what you are feeling.”
That’s a novel idea. “But isn’t this what I am doing?” I justify in a defensive tone.
I walk away from the table with four days to the deadline and make the decision to start writing anew!
`Begin again in a new way and start writing from a place of Truth’, I hear clearly from a voice not my own. An instant buzz of energy ignites and tingles the cells of the body, the skin going goose bumps, my hair standing to attention when I hear the word `Truth’.
The body now feels alive, ignited by a deep passion to share and write the Truth! As I begin, every cell of the body is buzzing, the crown chakra feels an expanded zing and tidal waves of excitement are being felt and breathed. An electric current is charging up and down the spine and every hair is electrified, standing on end. Opening with breath and allowing this bubbly juice to flow freely, I feel the sparkling creative stream of sexual energy pulsating, vibrating, with a deep enthusiasm for me to write.
The fingers are so highly activated that my slow typing is quickened and words flow effortlessly onto the screen. I can hardly keep up with what is dropping into my awareness. Insights and aha!-moments come like a big deluge, so passionate and enlivening.
I am breathing fully at last; deep full belly breaths, connecting into this effortless flow of the Grace Stream, tasting the sweetness within the breath, feeling the Light within the sweetness and so much Love.
Feeling so free right now, I am consciously aware I am not writing to please others or to `get it right’, I am doing it solely from a place of the Love of the Soul. Truly, there is no need to electrocute the body with 240v, all I have to do is breathe. Breathe the Love of Shem and feel it fully.
When the Time is Ripe
I welcome the dawn of a new day breathing in the magnificence of the beauty that surrounds me and notice, that when I am contracted and stuck in the mind, I do not connect at all with nature. For nearly two weeks, I witnessed only the fog of my own small mindedness. I collapsed and imprisoned myself back into the little dark box of unworthiness and judgement.
I smile, breathe, and really take in the majesty of nature; marvelling at the infinite shades of green in the jungle foliage, the never ceasing sound of the river below, as it dances over the rocks, the constant chant of insects and the enchanting songs of the bird life that abounds around my villa.
Where have I been? Why on earth would I choose the opposite of this? Ahh! This is the subtle seduction of the ego also, whispering this time so I will feel guilty. This is the loop, the spinning mouse wheel that keeps me playing the mind-games of self-judgement and unworthiness. I am choosing not to play this game again! I am choosing to Live!
During the next few months, the deadline for the book is extended several times, and eventually resulted in a decision to abort the project entirely.
The beautiful gift in all of this is that I found hidden within myself my deepest desire for Truth, also that Divine spark which ignites the fiery passion of the creative juices, allowing for the infinite effortless flow, which is not outside of oneself; it is contained within the heart centre and is activated by the desire to heal and awaken. Add a little willingness to live in the mystery, letting go of everything unlike love and just allow Grace to Love you. Then you can take the leap into the unknown and allow your Soul to soar.
Until next time,